Relationships

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Planning for the Holidays

The Christmas decorations have been up in the stores for months, ads are playing on TV, and a suffocating feeling of being overwhelmed is beginning to engulf me. I feel like Scrooge. It’s not that I’m against Christmas—far from it—but I’m very much fed up with the commercialized substitute our culture feeds us. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and stay there until January.

Every year I rebel against spending money we don’t have, baking things I shouldn’t eat, and the self-imposed pressure to decorate the house—knowing I’ll have to put it all away again a few weeks later. Yet I eventually find myself doing all those things anyway.

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We’re Expecting Houseguests!

The calendar says November, Thanksgiving is two weeks away, and Christmas isn’t far behind. For years you’ve extended invitations to everyone in your family, and no one has come to visit. But this year…. Your sister just announced that she and her husband are bringing their eight kids. Five minutes later your in-laws called to say they’re finally free this year. Your other sister found out everyone was coming, and didn’t want to miss the excitement. And by the way, can she bring her (humongous) dog? And her boyfriend?

At first you were excited about having a family reunion… but now reality is setting in. Where will you put them all? How will you help them feel welcome?

Pete and I once successfully hosted twelve family members (in addition to our nuclear family of four) in our three-bedroom house… for an entire week. (Five more people stayed with a neighbor, but ate with us.) It would easy now that our kids are grown and on their own—we have two dedicated guest rooms plus another bed in my home office. But we used to live in an area where housing prices were very high, and houses were very small. Where did we put our overnight guests then?

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Are You Wishing You Weren’t Single?

A friend sent me a link to this article: “When Waiting is the Hardest Part of Waiting.”

Blogger Melanie (aka “Big Mama”) writes about coping with being single when you would much rather be married. She has done so with eloquence, humor, and great wisdom. I wish I had read this when I was waiting for my husband to come into my life. And now, even after thirty years of wedded bliss, it’s a great reminder that happiness and self-worth do not depend on one’s marital status. Read this and be encouraged.

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Company Meals

The phone rings about three o’clock on a busy afternoon. Pete wants to bring someone home for dinner. Is it all right with me? With a hurried look at my to-do list, and a quick prayer for help, I agree. He hangs up happy, and I start wracking my brain. I’m suddenly feeding someone I’ve never met before. What should I serve?

This is actually a pretty common scenario at our house. Pete collaborates with ministries all over the world, and he frequently invites out-of-town visitors for a home-cooked meal. As hostess, I want to make these guests feel welcome, while filling them with good food. With years of practice, I’ve learned some helpful tips, which I now pass on to you.

For the most part, you can serve your company the same food you’d normally eat. It is their part to be gracious and thankful for whatever you offer. Don’t feel pressured into putting on a special feast, or spending a lot on expensive ingredients. Not everyone is a gourmet chef.

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Vintage Friendships

1977-mikepetedave-pyramidWe looked like a bunch of middle-aged geezers, heading out to the local park. Fair enough—that’s what we are. As college roommates and best friends in the mid-70’s, we’ve been around for quite a while. For the most part, while we’ve kept in touch somewhat, we hadn’t seen one another in ages. Pete and I live in Colorado, Dave lives in Portland, and Corinne and Mike are an hour apart near Seattle. And while we had sworn that we’d always be friends, life has a way of distracting you from your best intentions.

I had been anticipating this reunion for weeks, as soon as I found out I’d be accompanying my sweetie on his business trip to Portland. Now, at last, we had all converged on Corinne’s house for the weekend, and here we were—all together again.

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Should I Marry You?

2a6t1253Are you in love? In a serious relationship? Considering marriage? Dreams of white dresses and romantic honeymoons are plenty distracting. But don’t let your hormones run your life. It pays to work through some hard issues before making any permanent decisions.

I strongly recommend premarital counseling. It has been proven to increase both your marital happiness and the strength of your commitment to one another.[1] But in addition to meeting with a pastor or taking a class at church, try investing some time working things through on your own.

Plenty of books, workbooks, and articles are available to give you a reality check on your connubial dreams. John Piper has written an outstanding list of questions to consider. I was so impressed, I had to post a link to it.

Working through this list will give you plenty to talk about and consider. Even after thirty years of wedded bliss (well, mostly), Pete and I still discuss many of these issues. Pick one or two and make an evening out of it. Sure beats watching reruns on the talking box.

[1] “Journal of Family Psychology”

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Company’s Comin’!

Guests are coming! Does that inspire you with thoughts of time spent with friends or family? Or does that phrase strike terror into your domestic heart?

I grew up in a house where guests were a Big Deal. We only had dinner guests a few times a year, and I can’t remember ever having anyone spend the night with us, even though we had plenty of space.

When guests were coming for dinner, my mom would pull out her tried-and-true menu of baked ham, a convenience food version of au gratin potatoes (I called them o’rotten potatoes!) and frozen peas. There’s nothing wrong with having a “signature” meal… but every time? While her cooking was perfectly fine, my mother lacked confidence, and this was a sure bet.

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Throwaway People – Redemption

Here is the conclusion of this 3-part series on discarded friendships. Shortly after our friend wrote the last article, expressing his pain at being summarily cut off from two meaningful relationships, he wrote this:

It’s both funny and sad, how human emotions wax and wane. One moment we’re utterly convinced our ruin is at hand, and in the next we’re dancing in the streets because some small thing has gone our way. … Last night I wrote of a month-long tension which was eating away at me from the inside out, and I couldn’t have meant it more. Today, however, just minutes after waking up, my heart was relieved and my resolve strengthened. All was well in the universe, mostly.

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Throwaway People – When Silence Speaks Volumes

Last time I mentioned that I would post a guest blog about how it feels to be “thrown away.” This was actually written at the end of 2008. Next time I’ll post what happened in these relationships, and what our friend learned from it all.

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Someone—actually, two people now—about whom I genuinely care has apparently decided to write me off entirely and close their world to me because of an argument we got into over a month ago. An argument in which neither one of us was entirely right or wrong.  And the sad thing is that even when we were at our most heated, I had taken my time to very carefully choose my words, calling them out not through insults, but instead attacking the double standards and hypocritical views which they portray on a daily basis. Even in the midst of this letter I went out of my way to say that while I knew my words would hurt my friend, my intent was to illustrate the truth in love, and that I would rather cause pain with honesty than encourage delusion. I later wrote a follow-up email in which I apologized explicitly for my own faults in the prior argument, which I detailed to emphasize that I knew and admitted to exactly how I was wrong.

Perhaps worse yet is the case of the other friend I mentioned, to whom I let slip a light-heated and superficial sarcastic quip to which they took immediate and serious offense. Sadly, this person (much like any other who knows me at all) is fully aware of my barbed sense of humor…. The remark which upset her was never intended at all as an insult, and it was made at a time during which there was no disagreement between us. She simply misinterpreted my words as a harsh jab, took offense, and hasn’t spoken to me in weeks. …

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Throwaway People – “Deleted”

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in relationships lately, and I’m concerned. So I’m wondering… is it just me? Or has anyone else noticed this too?

People seem to be throwing one another away. Sometimes, it’s just a conversation they aren’t enjoying. Sometimes, it’s the whole friendship.

With cell phones, texting, voice mail, instant messaging, Facebook and MySpace, it would appear that connecting with another person is easier than ever. And yet, I’m wondering if instead, people are becoming more distant.

There seems to be a change in perception. The person at the other end of whatever communication device you happen to be using becomes an icon, not a living, breathing, feeling human being. Don’t like the way the conversation is going? Stop responding to their texts. Tired of the friendship? Delete them from your contact list. Un-friend them on Facebook. No need to work through difficult issues. No need to consider anyone else’s feelings. No need to even say good-bye.

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